Miscarriage, Broken Hearted And Mourning Our Loss

 

I contemplated on writing this post. I decided to do so for multiple reasons. One this is a parenting blog, two I have not really told many people and it is easier to I express myself better in writing.  I am not writing this to get sympathy or because I do want people to feel sorry for me, I am doing all that on my own. 

miscarriage

A week ago today I lost my baby. I went in for a routine ultrasound. The kids went with me, husband at work. We were excited to get to hopefully find out the sex of the baby and continue to prepare for our precious bundle making it’s way into the world in November.  The ultrasound technician said the baby was in an odd position and what seemed like forever tried to get the baby’s measurements. Then she told me she was going to get the doctor and would be right back. She came back and told me the doctor was doing a c-section at the hospital and he would call me. She knew this would not be sufficient information for me so she told me the baby measured 2 weeks smaller than should be and the head looked abnormal. I left the office crushed and in shock. I called my husband in tears who came home from work while we waited for the dreaded call. The call came hours later. The doctor did not have much to say other than I needed to see a perinatal doctor. I tried to be hopeful, thinking maybe the ultrasound was wrong or maybe there was another explanation. I clung to my faith in God, praying, fasting seeking His Word. 

baby 6 us May 2015

7 weeks 4 days ultrasound

Wednesday came and my whole family went to the appointment. The ultrasound technician was quiet and would not tell me anything. She went and got the doctor who told me that the baby passed away. I was numb and devastated. I mean I was 12 1/2 weeks pregnant and had no issues throughout the 1st trimester, how could this happen? I had a miscarriage 8 years ago but I had problems from the beginning and I was prepared for it to happen but this baby seemed healthy and all seemed great. Apparently it wasn’t. The doctor told me the ultrasound images showed that the baby had Anencephaly which is the absence of a major portion of the brain, skull, and scalp which occurs during embryonic development.  I was shocked, I mean my husband and  I thankfully have 5 healthy children.  I have never heard of this defect before, was this what happened with our 1st loss 8 years ago? Was it genetic?

 

I met with my OBGYN the following day. My list of questions was a mile long. As she stood next to me with her arm around me as I cried through my list of questions. She was encouraging. I felt comfortable around her, she had performed 3 c-sections out of my 5. She knew me, really well. I went in with the thought of allowing the baby to pass naturally but was I strong enough to do so? Was I to blame that the baby had Anencephaly.  Let me make myself clear – NEVER try to diagnose on-line because that is what I tried to do after the perinatal told me the diagnoses. I started to beat myself up that this happened because of lack of folic acid. My doctor assured me that I was not to blame. This happens when a the end of the neural tube fails to close. Since I had no record of this in the past most likely it occurred at time of conception and a chromosome broke off which is not genetic.

 

I decided that a D & C was the best option. I could not stand the fact that I had a baby that was not alive in me and could take months to pass. Plus I did not want my baby going in the toilet. Where would I be when it would take place? Being a stay a home mom I did not want to be home alone with the kids or out with them when it happened. I needed to get it done so I did.

 

Some of my kids have not handled it very well. My 4 year old burst in tears and hid underneath the table and cried. He wanted to be left alone, not wanting to be comforted while our 10 year old wept in my arms.  He said he felt bad, he was looking forward to another brother or sister. The kids know the baby is in the arms of Jesus.  I think my kids pain is what hurts the most through it all. 

 

My OBGYN was concerned about a 6th c-section but she had a plan in play for any complications. With prayer I will seek God’s direction for HIS will if he wants my husband and I to have one more child. It is no one else’s call but HIS. I know I am beyond my maternal years and with a history of several c-sections I am at risk but I have to remind myself nothing is impossible with God.

 kids beach

So now what? Right now I do not want to talk to anyone. I have kept to myself, not taking phone calls or seeing people in person. Why? I do not want to talk about it. It hurts too much. Plus the response of those I have told have made me feel worse. Comments like hang in there. Maybe this is God’s will for you not to have anymore children or at least the baby was not born this way. One I know already, “At least you have 5 healthy kids.” Honestly I would rather people say nothing.  It takes time and when I am ready I will get back to activities with others, for now I am enjoying the time with just my family.  Thankfully my kids keep me busy and their hugs, kisses and I love you’s is what is getting me through this.

 


Comments

  1. Robin (Masshole Mommy) says:

    Nicole, I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers.

  2. Tears. Thank you for sharing. You lost a child regardless of how far along you were that baby was still your child. I hope you and your family pull through soon. Sending you big hugs.

  3. I reading this post with tears in my eyes for you and your loss. Sorry isn’t enough-but what words are??? you said them yourself that your baby is in the arms of Jesus-hopefully in time that will be more of a comfort to you, your husband and your children who are hurting so much. I still mourn my losses years and years later. Saying a special prayer for you now and sending virtual <<<<>>> your way.

  4. I can’t imagine the hurt and loss you are feeling. No parent should ever have to feel the loss of a child whether they have arrived or not. My mother had a pregnancy that she terminated due to ancephaly. It was probably the most difficult decision she ever made. I remember the shock, desperation, and utter sadness she crawled through very well. My oldest daughter has hydrocephalus and although the drs believe there is no conclusive evidence that it is related to a genetic connection to ancephaly, it has always made me wonder. God Bless you and your beautiful family.

  5. I am really sorry for your loss,I have never heard of this condition before.My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  6. Amy Desrosiers says:

    I am very sorry for your loss Nicole! I pray you can find comfort during this difficult time. :*(

  7. I’m so sorry for your loss. I think it’s wonderful that your kids are expressing their feelings. I really hope for great things for your whole family.

  8. I’m so sorry for your loss. I am definitely thinking of you and your family.

  9. I am soooo sorry on multiple levels. Praying for you and your family; and especially amazed at your strength in sharing.

  10. It is OK to grieve and deal with things in your own way, in your own beautiful pace.
    Even comforting from all around can be way too sensitive to touch and heal in a way that it is truly replenishing your soul.
    The pain will never go away. The baby will be alive within your heart and soul till your last moments on this earth. I’ve been there. Feel that powerful flicker of love you were given to experience. Truly, feel the LOVE it gifted you. And then go back into the life and live it at its full swing.
    Only Love Remains.

  11. Nicole, You are so brave to write about what you are going through. I am so sorry to hear you lost your baby. I have been through miscarriages and know it is a difficult time to say the least. You and your family are in my prayers.

  12. What many people don’t understand is that a miscarriage is very real for grief. It is like losing a child, even though we hadn’t met them yet. And all those “comforting” comments people give us to try to make us feel better do the exact opposite. You have had a loss! You are grieving! Saying “at least…” is no way to comfort you. You need loving arms wrapped around you and let you have your grief, not try to pass over the grief.

    My heart aches for you. I have gone through a miscarriage and it is very painful. The grief is very real and it is worse when people try to push it aside and say “but it’s not like you had the baby and lost it”. because it IS having a baby and losing it. My miscarriage was a “missed miscarriage” where my body still thought it was pregnant though the baby was gone. I had to have a D&C as well because my body was not going to recognize the baby was no longer with us. That in itself is quite emotional.

    Take the time you need to grieve. Surround yourself with those who feel your grief as well and give comfort to each other.

  13. I’m sorry for your loss Nicole. My daughter had three miscarriages in the last two years.

  14. This was really hard for me to read as we went through years and years of just trying to conceive, with at least one miscarriage in the process. It can be devastating to all, not just you. Warm wishes headed your way.

  15. I am so sorry for your loss. I will add you to my prays this week.

  16. I am so sorry for your loss. You & your family are in my thoughts.

  17. Oh Nicole, I am so terribly sorry. I had a miscarriage almost 13 years ago and it’s still painful for me to talk about or think about. You are so strong for being able to write this. I am thinking of you and your family. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  18. I am so sorry and so heartbroken for you! I can only image the pain you are experiencing and will pray for peace and healing for your body and soul.

  19. Catherine S says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I will be thinking about you and your family.

  20. Danielle K says:

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’m sending you well wishes for healing for body, mind, and spirit.

  21. I am so sorry for your loss!! You and your family are in my prayers!

  22. I never understood the grief and trauma that goes on when a miscarriage occurs until my daughter had one. She did not have the D&C option or actually she was going to schedule one after having talked to me because I had heard horror stories from other moms and then before you know it… the trauma happened and she was rushed to the ER. I’m so sorry this happened to you but it’s good that you share your stories for those that do not understand and for those that do.

  23. I am terribly sorry. I went through this again last November. It doesn’t get easier.

  24. So incredibly sorry for your loss. Sending you strength and peace.

  25. Juanita C says:

    So sorry for your loss. My husband and I bought a garden stone to remember our angel baby. When our boys (3 and 5)are older I will explain that mommy will never forget her very first baby. He or she was too special to stay on earth. Be kind to yourself and I wish you and your family peace during this difficult time.

  26. Tiffany Collins (@Naturalycracked) says:

    MAMA let me tell you I feel sad for you. I will not say I understand as each person is different but I can say I was there. I lwent to my ultrasound for my 12 week scan and found out we had lost my little angel baby. Mother’s day 5 years ago I said good bye and still think of the little one. Hugs to you and thank you for sharing your story.

  27. Nicole, I am so so very sorry for your loss. Know that you are not alone.
    I had two back to back miscarriages before my last little one so I know how awful and unfair the entire situation can be. I named both of them even though I have no idea what the sex of either of them are.
    You mentioned that you went thru this 8 years ago so you already know what the next little while is going to be like.
    If you want to yell or cry or scream you know how to find me.
    {{hugs}} keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

  28. You are very brave for writing about this experience. I had a miscarriage at 29 weeks and it was devastating. I had a belly, I had a name, I was ready and then the baby just stopped breathing. The doctor said that he was missing a lung and the other wasn’t developing either. I am so very sorry for your loss. Take the time you need to mourn. I know how very much it hurts.

  29. I am so sorry for your loss Nicole. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  30. I’m sorry. It’s a devastating experience to go through. I lost a baby between my son and daughter and I thought my world was ending. I will keep you in my prayers.

  31. I’m so sorry to hear about this. I’m so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers, as is the rest of your family.

  32. I have never had a miscarriage and feel very fortunate. I am sorry for you loss

  33. I am so sorry, Nicole. Sending you lots of love.

  34. I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage back in October and I got very little support from my doctor. I am still not over that. I am glad that you have good doctors and such an amazing family. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  35. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is such a horrible thing to go through as a family.

  36. I’m so sorry for your loss. I have never gone through this myself, but I can imagine how hard it can be. You’re in my thoughts.

  37. I am so sorry to hear this. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain. I have 2 different friends who have experienced the same unfortunate event, but they’ve been able to stay strong through it all. I hope your family the best and will keep you in my thoughts.

  38. I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. Although I have not experienced anything like this myself, someone extremely close to me went through a devastating loss last Christmas. Like you she had a ton of questions and also opted for a D&C. I am wishing you strength and love during this difficult time.

  39. I am crying for you right now. We love you so very much- and loss is so hard. I lost my first pregnancy… it’s just never easy. No matter how many babies you have, I know the blow is hard. I hope you feel our arms wrapped around you <3

  40. Ugh, I am so sorry for your loss. I too had a mc at twelve weeks and was a total wreck. I had assumed once I got to 12, everything would be fine…:( It is such a hard thing to live through and I know no words can help soothe your pain. Just know you are not alone

  41. Karla T says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss! I also lost a baby at 12 weeks and I wouldn’t talk to anyone about it either for quite a long time. There are no words I can say other than to offer my deepest sympathy.

  42. So sorry for your loss. I’ve been exactly where your are at right now. Miscarriage at almost 12 weeks and I already had four boys, there’s nothing really anyone can do to make you feel better only time will make it hurt a little less. Hope you find peace and comfort in knowing that you really are not alone.

  43. Nicole, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It must have been so scary, heart breaking and confusing. I have personally had 3 miscarriages, one of which was a twin. I am admiring your attitude and spirit. Thank you for sharing such a personal story.

  44. So, so sorry. I lost a baby at 18wks. Went by myself for the gender scan and baby had already passed away, after a very rough pregnancy this was just so very tragic. I and to have a D&E (b/c they don’t do D&C that late term). I had had two previous miscarriages at 8wks, but I agree this is just so much different. I received absolutely no answers, I have no idea what went wrong, whether it was a boy or girl. Nothing. 🙁 I still wonder. It is a hard thing to go through, something I wish no woman ever had to deal with. Hugs and prayers for you. Since then I’ve given birth to a beautiful baby girl which was #4 healthy baby for or family. 4 babies and 3 losses. :/ It was so hard to talk about, even if someone had been through similar they can’t feel the exact same as you, and it doesn’t quite compare to an 8 wk loss. I felt like I lost all faith in pregnancy (if that makes sense). I always was nervous in first trimester, but you always here if you make it to 12wks you are good…. here I was 18 wks and it was NOT ‘all good’. I admire you telling you sharing your story, it helps in the healing. Thinking of you as you make it through this rough patch.

  45. I am so sorry for your loss. This can be such a hard thing to go through, I hope you and your family are well.

  46. I can’t even imagine the pain. I am sure there are no words to even help numb the pain.

  47. I am so sorry for your loss. My mom went through several miscarriages, and I know the pain and grief is very real. Thoughts and prayers sent to you and your family.

  48. Debbie Denny says:

    I can not say anything to make this better. I will send (HUGS) to you and your family.

  49. I am so sorry! I have been through this myself. 5 years ago. I was 8 weeks pregnant. I went to a routine ultrasound on my lunch break, by myself and the baby had no heartbeat. I was devastated. I had to have a d and c as well. It took me a long time to overcome that. I needed up quitting my job and moving back home to recover. I was pregnant again 2 years later and now we have a beautiful baby boy.

  50. I am so very sorry for your loss! Losing a child is never easy, no matter how far along in the pregnancy you are.

  51. (((Nicole)))

  52. You deserve the right to grieve however you like. I can’t imagine how hard this must be.

  53. I know there are no words, or no amount of sympathy that can ease your pain. I will keep you in my prayers.

  54. I would feel the same way you do. It’s sometimes better to just be alone until you are ready to face anyone.

  55. I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the magnitude of sorrow you must be going through, and I am amazed at how eloquent you’ve been able to express your feelings to all of us. I am sure that it is your strength and your family’s love for you and for each other that will get all of you through this horrible loss together.

    Hugs from across the web….

  56. I am so sorry for your loss. We experienced a still birth 15 years ago and I remember blaming myself. It can be hard to accept that things happen for a reason

  57. I’m so sorry to hear that you had a miscarriage. I have never been through that before but I can only imagine the pain it must bring both physically and emotionally. Thank you for sharing your story.

  58. I am very sorry for your loss. I am praying for you and sending you a big hug.

  59. I am so so sorry. I had a miscarriage August 23rd 2014. We hadn’t told our three children yet, we were only 8 weeks so at that point we never told them. It was so hard to talk about with family and friends because the tears gushed whenever I did. I am also longing for another child and feeling my maternal years slipping away. When we started trying again for a 4th child, I was only 37, but last week I turned 39. I am so blessed to still be on this earth, but I felt a little sad to see the age number go up knowing I had not yet conceived again. Sorry I don’t have anything more encouraging to say, I just wanted you to know I understand your feelings of wanting another child and nearing the end of the maternal years.

  60. There really aren’t words to describe what it feels like to have a miscarriage but it’s important to remember your blessings. Thank you for sharing your story.

  61. Really sorry about your loss ( I know us writing won’t fill the void you are feeling ) but you will be in my prayers. From the Picture , you have 5 beautiful children who chose you to be their mother .. all hope is not lost. Keep Praying

  62. My heart goes out to you. I don’t even know what to say, other than I’m thinking good thoughts for you and hope you start to heal from it.

  63. I can’t even imagine the loss you’re feeling right now. I’ll be praying for you, your family and heaven’s newest angel. Hugs!

  64. My heart is broken for you and your family. I lost a child at 7 months into my pregnancy. While I still grieve I have 3 daughters all in their 20’s. While I don’t say much about it. One of the sweetest gifts I ever received is my Mother’s Ring. It has leaves and stones on it and one of the stones was left out in memory of my child. Now 20 years later someone will say you lost a stone out of your ring. I smile and say no that’s my child who went to heaven. I will never forget and I know you never will. Hugs from one mother to another …

  65. Awww I am so sorry to read this. My prayers are with you and your family.

  66. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know there’s nothing I, or anyone, can say to make the hurt less painful. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

  67. Nicole I too had a late term loss and NOTHING and NOONE can help you deal with the pain and grief while you are comforting others as well. I am so sorry for your loss.

  68. I am so sorry for your loss Nicole. I went through this 2 years ago as well. The baby was 16 weeks, it was and still is so hard. HUGS!!

  69. Thank you for sharing your personal story. It is hard to share such loss, knowing no one can really understand. I will pray for your healing and comfort.

  70. It had to be tough for your to write this and I appreciate that you did. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. You have a beautiful family. You truly are blessed.

  71. I am so sorry for your loss. Your family will being my thoughts this week.

  72. I am sorry for your loss. It’s nice that you are busy with your family and enjoying the hugs and kisses from your kids. This will help you cope fast.

  73. Elizabeth O. says:

    So sorry for your loss. I admire you for being brave and writing about this. It’s nice that you were able to get it out of your chest.

  74. Nicole, I am so sorry you are going through this. Hugs and prayers for peace, safety, and love

  75. I am so so sorry for your loss. We lost our little girl 7 years ago by miscarriage. I’ve learned that those who have not been through it, don’t understand how heart breaking it is. I will pray for you and your family.

  76. So very sorry to hear of your loss. Please know that my prayers are with you and your family.

  77. This must have been difficult to write about. Best wishes to you.

  78. I am sending over heartfelt wishes to you and to your family. I am sorry to hear of your loss

  79. I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine. I have to admit I started crying when I saw your 4 YO and your 10 YO reactions. I have boys the same age.

  80. Oh Nicole, I am so sorry! My heart breaks for you during this difficult time. I pray you see all these comment as people send you love and support from all over. You are not alone, though it must seem so right now. May the Lord comfort you and hold you and your family close as you grieve.

  81. *hugging you*
    I lost mine at 23 weeks, i hated those comments from people.
    *hugging you*

  82. That has to be really hard. My sister in law struggles with miscarriages between all of her pregnancies. I’m sorry.

  83. You’re right, there are no words that will help you, and people can be SO rude. I have not experienced a miscarriage, but I am currently experiencing the pain of infertility. I’m so sorry for your pain. I will be lifting up your family in my prayers.

  84. Fariha N. says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story.

  85. You are strong and brave to share this with us. I am so sorry for your loss and for those who don’t really think before they speak.

  86. Nicole, I am sorry for your loss. I wish I had some words to comfort you but there are none. Just know that you and family are in our thoughts and prayers. Hugs

  87. My heart breaks for you. After losing our second, I don’t talk to anyone until month 5. I find that it’s not always helpful to hold it in because people don’t understand your pain. I am here if you need an ear to listen.

  88. EJ (Jane) says:

    Please know our thoughts and prayers are with you

  89. hugs!!!!!

  90. Feel very sad while reading this. I am very sorry for your loss. I have faced this pain while losing my first child when she was four months old. My prayers are with you and your family.

  91. I am so sorry for your loss. Send prayers and hugs your way for you and your family.

  92. I am so sorry that you had to go through this. For what it is worth, I also had a child with a neutral tube defect and beat myself up over it. Just know sometimes you aren’t to blame for these things happening.

  93. So sorry for your loss. My sister in law went through the same thing many years ago so it hits really close to home to read this.

  94. Nicole, i am so sorry this has happened. I’ve been on this side of a miscarriage before and everything people tried to say to co fort me felt like a slap in my face. I completely understand. I’m glad your family I there for you and you have very loving children and you will get through this together. It’s never easy.

  95. Oh no Nicole. This breaks my heart. I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you and your family to find some peace in the coming days. xoxo

  96. Beyond saddening news. I am very sorry for your loss, Nicole.

  97. Katherine King says:

    I am very sorry for your loss but I know God will heal your heart.

  98. You are such a beautiful person inside and out and I am so happy to have met you and your son.

    • Thank you Joie. I hope our paths cross again. It was a great time hanging out with your family at the Happiest place on earth! Miss you!

  99. oh Nicole – I am so sad to hear this – for you, for your husband and your sweet children. I have had numerous miscarriages – and I know it is so hard. Time, that is what helps, time.

  100. I pay a visit daily some blogs and websites to read articles, but this website gives quality baqsed content.

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